It's been a while, sorry.

I've been thinking about the comment that Amy left, I know I should tell my wife about this but right now my life is very stressful. I understand where Amy is coming from but this is something I need to do for myself. I personally have gone through depression during high school and probably before that. Right now I believe that if I don't continue with this I will fall back into that state. Amy if you read this, I thank you for you opinion but sorry at this point and time I personally need to continue.

I will eventually tell her and hopefully she will understand and she will stand by my decisions as I have stood by her and have done everything in my powers to try help her.

Re: Profile

Thanks for the tip, I think I got it removed.

My Profile

My intentions when I started this blog was to do this behind a wall, nobody would know who was writing this. When I viewed my blog I realized that my name was being published with my posts, so I figure that I am going to have my profile available to anybody that wants to view so if they have questions they can ask me without going through the blog. I'm actually angry at my self for doing this because I'm afraid my wife might find this, the only person I do not want to see this site right now.

Confused by OK

Yesterday I was saying that we were waiting for a phone call for a open bed at the hospital, well that phone call came at noon today. The only problem was that she didn't want to go today but willing to go tomorrow, if the bed was still available. After she hung up she started to have second thoughts about the decision but I was not about to say anything considering yesterday and today have been nice. My brothers decided that we were going out for dinner in celebration of my birthday, which was just over a week ago, that was fun.

Today I went and got a few things I had been holding off on for the last week done. Also took her shopping at the local mall. I hate the mall! After about an hour was was just getting completely stressed to the point that was about to just kill the next person that bumped into me. Other than that everything was pretty good.

Right now she's at my grandmother's and I'm sitting here updating my blog and starting to wonder if my life is going to ever change. I want kids, but with the medications she is on I've been told that we should hold of on that. I know that she gets depressed knowing that she can't have kids right now. I am going to stop writing before I get depressed.

I hope that bed is still open tomorrow.

The waiting game

Woke up this morning dreading the day, have to go to the dentist, get hair cut, etc..
As usual she's still asleep. Yesterday she was able to see her regular Pychiatrist, and as I thought he thinks she should be placed in the hospital for a few days. I really hate the previous doctor, never listened or really cared (just what I think) about her, at least this one takes the time to make it seem like he cares. So she has decided that it might be a good idea but there are no available beds open, have to wait for a phone call. I hate to say it but sooner the better, I personally needs some time for myself, or to just meet my friends, even if it is only a couple days. Well got lots to do and little time.

Just want to thank people for the comments, I am reading them and they are helpful.

Friends Allowed?

Today she dropped me off at work like most days, I do this to try to do something. Everyday she's sleeping till 3 pm and staying awake till 4 am. I do not like this, and I tell her. What the problem is today is that she didn't seem very happy. So I sasked her if she was alright, and she told me she was OK. Even as I tried to get more out of her she said nothing. This evening approx. 7:30 a female co-worker called me, just a good friend that listens to me and has helped her during her last episode. My wife seems to think that there is something going on. My biggest problem with that is I love my wife and have explained to her why she calls me. This is not the first time it seem a female in my life has gotten her upset, my own sister. My grandfather passed away last year and I had to pick her up at the airport, brought her to the church and gave her a hug when she saw his body from the aisles because she was about to collapse. That next day she has a knife at her wrist and cutting herself, not deep but more than enough to scare the you know what out of me.

Right know I'm able to type this because she has decided that she's gonna go see a friend. She is pissed at me, why because I talked to somebody on the phone!!! I didn't hide any of the conversations I said everything my friend said I told her. I have lost so many contacts in the last 5 years that I have no friends outside of work. This hurts me I think as it hurts her, she just does not understand that. I need my friends to talk to but she won't let me without feeling guilty.

On Going Drama

On Monday she went to see her psychologist and talked to him for probably and hour. At the end of the session she was told to come back tomorrow to see a psychiatrist because he thought it might be good for her to be hospitalized for observation, only problem was he that to doctor he wanted her to see was her pervious psychiatrist. She explained to him that he did not try to help her prior and would be no use to talk to him. Well Tuesday she went and talked to them, guess what happened. She ended coming home crying and upset, and me recieving a phone call at work from her saying that she didn't think that she could keep her self safe. Luckily my brother just got off work and was able to keep a eye on her intil I got home. At the moment she seems OK but I'm always worried. On Friday she shes her regular psychiatrist and maybe will be admitted, but until then I don't know how my days are going to be.

Also just want to thank everybody that has left a comment, THANK YOU. It makes me feel a little better that somebody is listening.

Long day

Yesterday when I started this blog my wife was sitting in emergency, she was having pain and discomfort around her lower abdomen. Of course is was at 11pm and I went back to pick her up it was 3am. Everything is fine with her but it all seems to stem from the diorder. Three weeks ago she was there also because of an overdose, and spent 3 nights there. It just seems I spend so much time in the emergency room everybody there knows me now. I don't want to be known this way.

What am I to do

I'm starting this blog to help me cope with borderline personality disorder. My wife has been dealing with it for close to 7 years. I intend to use the blog as a place to vent or even ask for advice, it's just getting hard for me to deal with this on my own. Thanks.